…Half-Year Resolutions

Some people say that I’m dead inside. I suppose they’re correct. However, I have a valid reason, whereas most other people don’t. Quite simply, at the turn of the year, every year, I hear variations of the following phrase: “New Year, New Me!”.

I’d like to ask you all to put your empathy hats on before we continue.

Every time I hear that phrase, or any of its equally soul-destroying derivatives, a part of me dies. I hear that annually from multiple morons. Of course I’m dead inside. I have no choice but to be a broken man, it’s practically self-defence after 20 soul-battering years.

It appears as though there’s a conventional wisdom that says that on the 1st January magic suddenly rains down on us all and we’re empowered to change into great people. I can’t express, via any medium, how monumentally stupid I find that. Shakespeare couldn’t do it, either.

Let me break it down for you, homebros. Time isn’t a person, it doesn’t care because it actually can’t care. Caring isn’t a ‘thing’ that time does. I’m not even sure ‘caring’ is a thing anymore. It doesn’t matter what time, day or millenium it is, time doesn’t change to make life easier for you. The only mystery regarding what happens after Auld Lang Syne surrounds the speed at which the elderly fall asleep.

What I’m trying to say is this; goals can be set and attained at any time. I don’t need thousands of muppets letting me know that the New Year is a metaphor for their lives. Quite the contrary, in fact, as I need thousands of muppets to shut up at the turn of the year.

It is on that basis that I never set resolutions until this year. I didn’t do it because my levels of self-loathing reached new lows but because I wanted to see what the hype was about. Were my suspicions correct — are they a tool for morons to try and sound philosophical and deep? Of course they were. However, is there anything more to it? Again, of course not. There’s no substance here, just cognitive dissonance. A concentration of cognitive dissonance comparable to that only of the concentration of immoral douchebags in the upper echelons of the banking system.

It’s now nearing the halfway point of 2012 and the idea here is simple. How simple? “New Year, New Me, yayyyyy!” levels of simple.

Those of you who set resolutions, reassess them now. I don’t bet but I’d imagine a fair few of you can’t even remember your resolutions. Of those who do, I imagine you’ve failed/given up. You probably slipped back out to normal you within a couple of weeks, right? It took me two weeks. Two weeks.

Anyone still going strong, I’m not sure whether to call you a cheater or to congratulate you. There’s a moment, when playing the card game, when I’m 90% sure someone’s cheating but I don’t have enough evidence to back up such a wild claim. This is that moment. I know you’re cheating, you know you’re cheating, I just don’t know how.

Here’s my proposal, then. Try doing something new for a bit, without the buzz of a thousand other boneheaded bees doing the same thing. Don’t tell anyone, just do it. During the great imbecile outing of December 31st don’t make a fool of yourself, reassess what you’ve decided here today. If it worked, congratulations, you cheated. If it didn’t, you’re the real winner.

Why? Because you’re not going to claim the New Year means a New You. Whatever that means.