…What I Learnt This Week (26/03/2012-01/04/2012)

This is late. I know. I can’t say I care. Good things take time. Rubbish things take even more time because I have to pretend I was doing good things in the time it took me to be rubbish. The psychology is quite complicated actually.  Honestly, I learnt some amazing things last week — one of which I’ll be sharing today — but the majority wouldn’t make sense outside the context of my life. I had some of this ready to post up on Monday but in the end I kept on getting sidetracked. As anyone else who’s ever used the internet will know, one trip to Wikipedia can have you up until 3am researching your new-found interest in 2nd Century dancing. Mad shapes got thrown back in the day, let me tell you. In any case, this is the price you pay for well-researched facts. (Wikipedia counts as good research, if only because I can change the article to agree with my point of view.)

  1. Google’s got a lovely selection of fonts available. When I was heavily invested in graphic design I spent a lot of time looking for good-looking fonts. The reason for this is a combination of perfectionism, hipsterism and pretentiousness. That’s right, I was a hipster before being hipster was even a thing. Do you hate a hipster? Show that sentence to a hipster and watch them melt into a shallow pool of neon colours. Don’t touch it though — it’s contagious. Anyway, last week I heard about Google’s Web Fonts website. It’s not got the selection that some of the other font websites do but it’s Google’s idea so you can almost guarantee it’s going to become a one-stop-shop soon. More importantly, some of the fonts on display are gorgeous. See? They’re so good my inner hipster is coming out to play again.
  2. Making a resume for an employer is a great idea. I’m useless at writing CVs. Despite being the most arrogant person known to civilisation, I hate CV writing. It’s a couple of sheets of paper that explain why I’m awesome and I hate that. It’s cringeworthy. Plus everyone cheats anyway because CVs tend to be self-regulated. Do you know what else is pretty much self-regulated? The British press… and look at how that’s turned out. Last week I read an article which suggested that, instead of wasting paper waxing lyrical about yourself, try writing an advertisement to the prospective employer. Don’t tell them why you’re the best thing ever to grace this Earth, tell them why you’d be the best thing to bless their company. To me, that seems like a fantastic idea. CV writing seems a bit less tedious now that I’ve got an angle. An angle I’ve just nullified by sharing it with the entire internet. I need to start thinking things through.
  3. The CIA were going to make a fake sex tape of Saddam Hussein with a teenage boy in order to discredit him. The very second I read this I knew I was going to share. There’s every chance this is the best thing the USA has ever considered doing. This is so brilliant that I can’t find words. It’s just brilliant. Brill-i-ant. I checked the web and this seems completely factual too — this isn’t one of those stupid rumours that you get in a chain email from your less-than-intelligent acquaintances. There is no angle I can look at this which doesn’t make it even funnier. At some point in the history of American espionage, a group of very serious and lethal men sat around a table to discuss the finer points of a plot which involved faking gay pornography. That imagery alone is pure slapstick but then I imagine how the plan would’ve been accepted had it been pursued. I can picture thousands of homes in the American South full of people just frozen still, their brains stuck in an infinite loop, decided whether they love their country for capturing a criminal who had nothing to do with them or if they hate it for embracing the gay agenda. I’m pretty sure the USA’s ‘defence’ (heh, irony) budget is pretty large but I feel assured that the money is being put to the best possible use.

Hopefully the sheer magnificence of that last fact is enough to stave off any lingering hatred regarding my punctuality. If not, I’ll probably be adding a “Contact Me” section in the near future for everyone to send me death threats/suggestions/incriminating material. Ciao for now!